Microautobiography
I was kicked out of the Air Force.

I was homeless.

I have been a father.

I won awards for my writing, and one for my cartooning.

I have been to a political convention.

I have met a handful of mid-level celebrities and a couple of big ones.

I essentially taught myself to play guitar.

I have written almost 400 songs.

I have written 50 songs that don't outright suck.

I saw glaciers, swam in two oceans (and a gulf), flown over Canada, and built snowmen.

I have been married twice.

I have one piercing (left ear) and no tattoos (yet).

I have been Episcopalian, Lutheran, Baptist, Lutheran again, agnostic, Deist, Taoist, and now atheist.

I can cook rather well.

I can type upwards of 95 wpm.

I have been a waiter, grocery store clerk, hotel night auditor, columnist, radio news reporter, record reviewer, cook, web designer, rock musician, rapper, illustrator, and a support technician.

I have been in Wired magazine, mentioned in a published book, been in 5 different commercials on TV, on the radio, and all over the Web.

I have been arrested three times.

I've been drunk 10 times. High five times.

I've never done any drug harder than alcohol or weed.

I play most of my video games with the cheats turned on.

I use a Mac and I like it.

I have been dirt poor, working class, and middle class.

I have only one official education-related certificate of completion (my high school diploma).

I lost my high school class ring years ago.

I am 5'6" and weigh about 256 lbs.

I like swimming and bike riding, but I've done neither in years.

I developed arthritis at age 14, shinsplints at 19, and gout at 32.

I have been blogging for more than eight years and have been online for almost 15.

I carry a laptop bag with a portable DVD player, a 60GB iPod, a mobular phone, a PSP, and a digital camera almost everywhere I go.

I am not as hip as the web kids or the indie kids or the photography kids, and by kids I mean you people who are my age or thereabouts.

I hate my first name and have been seriously contemplating legally changing it for all of my adult life. My latest possible name change? "Kane."

I am a grammar/spelling/punctuation pedant.*

I can dance.

I have nice, if rough, singing voice.

I cannot play sports worth a good God damn but have wished I could almost every day since I was 3.

I am a depressive.

I have tried to kill myself 5 separate times.

I abhor alcoholics, the right-wing, the religious, addicts of almost any stripe, and the people who think they're cool because they're contrarian.

I hate what my parents have done to me but sometimes I still miss talking to them, even though we haven't spoken in 12 years.

I love cats and dogs alike. I am not a fan of fish or birds as pets.

I am 34 but I am still very much a kid in my own mind.

I love Star Wars, Star Trek, and loads of sci-fi.

I am a fan of TV as a form of entertainment.

I am bold, brash, confrontational, rude, but very much insecure much of the time.

I am Chris Gruber.

(and I'm fine if you want to turn this into a meme and do it yourself.)

* Props to alanpartlow for pointing out my irony-rich life. :-)

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